Inflatable Raft F*cker Arrested In Ohio (natch)

We've all been there: it's hot.  You're hot.  And the inflatable raft is just asking for it.

In a story that screams, "there but by the grace of God go I," an Ohio man was arrested for - wait for it - having sex with an inflatable raft.

Buckstache?  Check!

No, seriously.  Here's another link because, like me, I'm sure you're still shaking your head in disbelief after having clicked on the first one.

Edwin "Raft F*cker" Tobergta was arrested at his home near Cinci on Sunday and charged with public indecency (as opposed to the acceptable practice of boning your pool equipment in private) after he was caught having sex with the inflatable raft.

In the shit-we-couldn't-write-if-we-tried category, the owner of the raft told police he shouted at the suspect to stop.  But instead of stopping, the suspect pulled up his pants and - it gets better - ran off with the raft (apparently in Ohio, a good raft is akin to finding a good woman).

So, was this just a "heat of the moment" thing?  A "crime of passion," you ask?  Nope.  Tobergta has been arrested at least five times for similar offenses (yes, it's another link.  I still can't believe it).  He has confessed to the latest crime and asked for help (gee, you think?).

Look, I normally wouldn't put this kind of stuff up just two short days before the season starts.  But for cryin' out loud, I'm only human, and this is a site that does enjoy making fun of all things Ohio.

I think we can all agree this fits.

"Hellooooo, beautiful.  I wasn't talking to you, lady.  Who's your pink friend?"

UPDATE: Our friend, Mikoyan, did the pic below and put up a link in the comments section.  But it deserves - nay, demands - a bump to the main page.

25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays: #17 Hearing the Attendance

Continuing on with the 25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays, we find ourselves just two days before kickoff and yet only on #17 on our countdown (which should come as no surprise to those who follow the MZone and know my utter disdain - not for countdowns - but for having to actually produce them on a daily basis once started).  In any event, sit back, relax and enjoy...

#17 Hearing the Attendance

I don't care how many times I go to a game in The Big House, I still love hearing the stadium announcer come over the loudspeakers in the second half and announce the attendance:



Why do I still get such a thrill for something that's a foregone conclusion?  Not sure.  I mean, it's kinda like going to see the same movie over and over again.  You know how it ends, but somehow it's still awesome.  Like Caddyshack or Animal House.  We're always thanked for "being part of the largest crowd watching a football game in America today!"  Always.   As expected.  Yet still I cheer.   Always.

I guess in some small way, I feel like I'm doing my part holding up a small piece of Meeechigan tradition.  I sure as hell could never have contributed as a player on the actual football team (although I'm guessing my kicking skills last year couldn't have been much worse).  However, my being "part of the largest crowd watching a football game in America" and keeping Michigan's attendance above 100K every home game since 1975 (when the streak started) does keep a Michigan tradition alive, one that I can directly claim I contributed to, in my own 1/100,000th way.

Although, let's be honest - we've all been to one of those crappy games against a shitty team with a noon start when the team was struggling - and it's raining for good measure! - where it feels like they might have counted the ass of the fat guy two rows in front me twice... or 12,384 times.  I mean, at kick-off in the student section, it looks like somebody yelled "COP!" at a dorm keg party.  And it never does quite fill up.  Plus, outside the student section during those contests, you can actually - imagine this! - sit with both butt cheeks touching the metal bleacher underneath, the number printed on your ticket, shockingly, right below your ass!

But I believe, even on those days, we're still somehow, some way, over 100K.  Why?  Because I have to.  I did my part being there.  And I'll be damned if it was in vain.

Game Preview Ferrum @ Emory and Henry

Ferrum looks to start a new trend...

The last time the Panthers won their first game of the season, was 2005 when they hosted Guilford, and defeated the Quakers 41-7.  That year, Ferrum started 9-0, and secured a spot in the NCAA playoffs. Since then, Ferrum has not won a season opener. The following year, they opened against Guilford, and lost 49-35. Beginning in 2007, Ferrum has opened against Emory and Henry, and every year the Wasps seem to have Ferrum's number. Overall however, Ferrum is 31-22-3 in season openers since 1955.

Saturday, Coach David Harper will get a chance to do something that only one head coach has done in the history of Ferrum football...win the first game he coaches. In a  recent poll question, Who is the only Ferrum football coach to win their very first game, those who responded seemed to give the nod to Dave Davis. Unfortunately  Coach Davis failed to get the win as in 1994, Ferrum lost to Rowan 17-10. Others seemed to think that  Hank Norton would have won his first game, but even though he finished his first season undefeated, he did not win his first game. That game against the Elon College JV team, ended in a 6-6 tie. Amazingly, Coach Norton would have to wait til his third game to get his first win, because in week 2, Ferrum tied again against the VMI freshman team, again by the score of 6-6.
Sam Webb, The Panthers first head football coach, lost his first game against the Naval Receiving Station, 14-6, and Carson Barnes, Ferrum's second coach, lost his first game against the Emory and Henry Freshman team, 20-0.
Lewis Lane, the Ferrum coach in 1959, is the only coach to win his first ever game. Coach Lane's team opened with a shutout win over Hargrave Military Academy by the score of 45-0. This win, also marked the most points ever scored by a Ferrum team to that point. This victory would also be the last that year as they ended the season 1-6-1. 


Fast forward to 2011. David Harper can join the company of Coach Lane with a win over the Wasps. I look for this to be a good game for the Panthers. I believe that they are primed, and ready to start the season. Look for much of the same option style offense. Ferrum has good backfield speed, and a solid receiving corps. Marcus Mayo will begin his Senior season and I think his experience that he has gained will take him far this year. He is a talent, and is a multi dimensional threat to put points on the board.


For Ferrum to win, they have to keep pressure on the Emory and Henry quarterback Dustin Beck. Last year, Beck was 14 of 21 with one interception. He threw for 146 yards and no touchdowns. The real damage was done by #7 running back Caleb Jennings. Jennings ran for 213 yards on 28 carries and scored three touchdowns. The good news is that Jennings has graduated. Look for Beck to go more to the air, and try to take advantage of what is believed to be a susceptible Panthers secondary. The Wasps will have the ball in the air a good part of the time that their offense is on the field. So to combat this, Ferrum has to stay after Beck.
Also Ferrum, in my opinion, needs to keep the pressure on in the second half. Too many times the first half lead disappeared, or the Panthers were outscored in the second half. This happened against NCW, Methodist, Greensboro, and CNU. Do not let up. Continue to put points on the board. Do not slow down on offense. Make a statement. Make people notice you.


In the final analysis, I think Ferrum will prove to be the better team. This is an important game, in that it sends a signal to the rest of the USA South. A win will start a new trend in Ferrum football, and will give the Coach Harper something that has not been seen since 1959....A first career win!


My prediction:


Ferrum 27
Emory and Henry 10

The MZone presents SUPERLACE: The Movie ...starring Denard Robinson

Rigby's Wallpaper Wednesday inspired the video below.



(HT to FauxCreative and AGold who did some great vids where I found many of the HD clips)

Wallpaper Wednesday: Denard Returns!

Look!  Out on the field!  It's a run!  It's a pass!  It's...

SUPERLACE!

Big thanks to Rigby for continuing Wallpaper Wednesdays here at the MZone!

25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays: #18 The guy sitting next to you

Continuing our countdown of the 25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays (that was supposed to coincide with and end the day before the first game of the season but is going to miss that by a country mile) we arrive at...

#18: The Guy Sitting Next to You

Before the game, he is a stranger you might exchange perfunctory head nods with if you happen to catch glances as you find your seat.  But by the end of the 4th quarter of a close, thrilling Meeechigan victory over a big rival, the guy sitting next to you just might end up being one of the groomsmen at your wedding (but not at The Big House).

I don't know these people...
and yet I love them

Such is the bonding that goes on at The Big House on Michigan football Saturdays. 

The instant camaraderie of 110,000 Wolverine fans on gameday is electric.  Sure, the same guy on the side of the road with a flat tire during a snow storm may only warrant a sympathetic shake of the head as your cruise past at 75 m.p.h.  But sit that same dude next to you for a game like Michigan's triple OT win over MSU a couple years ago and you'll have high-fived him so many times both your hands will lack several layers of skin.

During Michigan football games, you will also find yourself bonding with folks you'd normally find as embarrassing to be around as your dad that time he wore his dark socks and sandals to the beach.

For example, I enjoy sitting next to Headphone Guy at The Big House.  This is usually an older alum, parked on a seat cushion, who has some outdated and overly-large radio adding 20 or so pounds to his head.  With a silver, extendable antennae reaching toward the heavens and ginormous padded earphones that cover roughly 40% of his exposed skin, the guy looks like he should be hunched over in the radio room of a trans-Atlantic ocean liner circa 1934.

But on gameday in The Big House, this guy is invaluable.  He's the one who updates you all afternoon on Denard's increasingly jaw-dropping stats (eliciting more skin-removing high-fives with Excited Guy behind you).  And when Shoelace got hurt, he's the one everyone in your section turned to.  Waiting for him to share the news of how bad it was.  He'd put one hand on the E.T.-phone-home looking thing on his head and another in the air to quiet everyone so he could hear better.  Instantly, your entire section fell silent.  And if he shook his head and said, "It's not good..." high-fives would be replaced by simultaneous head-drops.

When not updating my section at The Big House
on Saturdays, I listen in on radio chatter coming
from the international space station as it orbits earth

There's also Fire Up Guy, the self-appointed dude who is the first to stand up and try to get the crowd cheering before a big third-and-short play.  Raising his arms like a symphony conductor minus his wand, before suddenly turning around to see if you're being naughty or noisy in your team's time of need.

Some people don't like Fire Up Guy.  Me?  He great if he's sober.  Drunk Fire Up Guy can be annoying.  But Proper Fire Up Guy can get a whole section rocking in no time.  It's a fine line. 

Yes, the above are but a small sampling of The Guy Sitting Next to You.  But each is just as much a part of Meeechigan Football Saturdays as tailgates and marching bands.  That's why he (and she) are #18 on our slooooowly unspooling list.

No, I've never sat next to them either,
even when I was a student. 
They're like Big House unicorns

ED. NOTE:  You know, just as I finished writing up this post way past my bedtime, I had another (I think even funnier) idea for a post using the above concept - simply listing all the "guys" one will meet/sit next to at The Big House this Saturday (Start the Wave Guy, Leave Early Guy, Down in Front Guy, Always Leaving the Section During the Game Girl, etc.).  Damn.

Double damn.

Maybe next time.

Guest Post: Wait for it, it's coming...

Today's guest post comes from Steve, proprietor of Michigan meets S.C.  If you'd like to become a world famous blogger and submit material to the MZone, drop us an email at the addy on the left (if you can't find it, that's the first test.  FAIL).

In the wake of the new, latest, whatever, scandal brewing at The University of Miami, their President Donna Shalala’s apology is just around the corner.  Unless I missed it.  I don’t know who’s position it could possibly save or even if it will save her own position within the walls of this hallowed correctional institution.  But the actual apology is what I'm waiting for.  You see it from politicians, sports figures galore, movie stars and the like.  Here’s how it goes:  A big news conference is called and the poor unfortunate sap steps to the podium all solemn and pulls a paper from their breast pocket, unfolds it and begins to read their apology.

How to write a convincing
apology letter!

Read it!  My God - read their apology!  Unbelievable.  Anyway I love it when they READ their apology.

I could care less what they're saying, they all sound the same and it's all drivel anyway. Les Miles said that “appropriate action will be taken when it’s deemed necessary” after a couple of his players kicked the crap out of some guys outside a bar. My guess is that will be somewhere around September 4th, right after the Oregon game. I loved his delivery, blaming the car horn and all. So straight faced. Whoa is me. The whole world was watching and what was he doing, looking down reading from a prepared statement, only looking up occasionally to see if anyone is buying this crap he was shoveling. I call bullshit. I mean hell I'm in trouble as much as anyone and I don't get a prepared statement to try and get out of it. If you have to look at a piece of paper to say you didn't know any better or are extremely remorseful you're no better an apologist than you are a, whatever you are. The only time anyone should be allowed a prepared apology is before they're caught and are turning the screws on themselves. Like that ever happens. Take it from an expert, I know apologies. Oh yeah, and Donna’s gonna need to have a husband or good friend stand next her while she’s reading it so we can mock that person as well. I hope she chooses Michael Irvin.

O. S. U...Tube

We admit there are a lot of YouTube vids by OSU* fans posted here on the MZone.  But it's not our fault.  Honest.  We simply work with what the comedy gods giveth.

Truth is, our crack research team searches just as hard for the crazy or out-there Michigan clips.  However, we usually find things like this...



Sure, it's fine. It's okay. It's...whatever.

But the vids posted by Tosu* fans are, shall we say, different.   And plentiful.  Now that so many in Buckeye Nation Unincorporated Township have finally gotten rid of their AOL dial-up accounts, there is a YouTube glut of these folks sharing their Tosu* pride - usually sans filter. 

For example, last fall, we were traumatized by Mascot Man who sucked so bad he was awesome in a Showgirls kinda way.  There's Jessi-slash-Stretchy Buckeye who, well, this.  And who can forget the Sleepy Rappers?  Not us.

Face it, some dude humming The Victors on a whistle pop just doesn't seem worth posting when up against that kind of competition.

Then there are the Buckeye jackhats who, in their own, limited, f-bomb laden words, say O-H S-O much about the Tosu* fan base.  Like the articulate young man in the videos below.

First, he made the following "test video" in order to familiarize himself with the cutting edge world of YouTube:



Having conquered the intricate YouTube technology with his six second masterpiece above, this deep thinker then proceeded to share his wit and college football wisdom with the world.  Behold the genius...



Favorite line: "You see that fuckin' helmet back there? That's what we do, baby."

Uh, Fathead wall stickers in your room at your mom's house? I'm confused.

Why politics and college football smack on a bumper sticker don't mix

I love when Tosu* fans make blogging easy (gee, how many times have I said that here at the MZone?).

Example #468:

Got an email from our pal, SiC, yesterday.  He was driving in C-bus and found himself behind the car in the pic below.  In case you can't make it out, the license plate is "USAOSU" and the bumper sticker reads, "Born in the USA  NO Taliban, Born in OHIO  No Michigan" - yes, with the "an" in both Michigan and Taliban underlined.  As SiC said, "not sure wtf that even means!"

Me neither.  But what do you expect from a guy who drives a MINI-VAN.

You know, each time I get an email from SiC, I end up shaking my head at what he must have to deal with living behind enemy lines like that.  How the dude survives there is beyond me.

No, I don't mean how does he, as a Michigan fan, put up with it.  I literally mean how does he not end up getting killed down there.

Why you don't buy your Michigan gear at Old Navy

Look, I'm the first to admit I let a typo (or 10) slip by here on the MZone every now and then each day.  Putting up posts late at night, sometimes spellchecking takes a back seat to "Dammit, I need sleep!"  However, say you were a t-shirt copy guy and you had to spellcheck, oh, three words.  And, you know, it was your job.  You'd probably get it right, right?

Unless you're the t-shirt guy for Old  Navy...

For our Tosu* visitors who are looking at the picture and thinking, "Yeah?", there's supposed to be an apostrophe in "Let's."

And while we're at it, the two exclamation points are very 15-year-old-girl-status-update-on-Facebooky.

So don't take chances.  Get your gear at Moe's or the MDen.

Five million?! Really?!?!

Light posting today as real life beckons (don't worry, I'll be ready for the season next week).

However, just wanted to share something: looking at our stats yesterday, I noticed that we're rapidly approaching our 5,000,000th visitor!  Five mil! (or as Brian at MGoBlog calls that, "Wednesday")

Wow!

Pretty cool for a part-time hobby.  So a big thank you to all our readers who've been checking us out over the years (and keep coming back).  It's most appreciated!

Please help us continue to grow by passing on a link (or six) and following us on Twitter.

D3football.com rankings have Panthers finishing 3rd in the USA South at 6-4

The long awaited D3football.com preseason publication "Kickoff 2011" has been posted. This online only publication has several feature articles, and breaks down each of the 239 D III teams in the nation. It further ranks all of the teams from 1-239, and ranks all of the 27 DIII conferences.

Ferrum, according to this publication, will finish 3rd in the USA South with an overall record of 6-4, and a projected 4-3 conference record. Interesting in that these figures indicate that Ferrum will win 2 of its 3 non conference games...I agree. The article does not break down every game, but I would think it is safe to assume, based on their conference rankings, they are projecting that Ferrum will lose to CNU, and NCW.  So who will the fourth loss come from? I would expect that they are looking for a Shenandoah win in Winchester.
These are not bad predictions, but I am really looking for Ferrum to be overall  far better than they have been in the last few seasons.
Offensive experience is strong, but the publication correctly points out inconsistencies on the offensive line. Defensively, they also point out the inexperience that will permeate the D-line. With the loss of three of the four D linemen from 2010, Ferrum will have some holes to fill. For me, I believe this front unit will have a strong corp.
Linebackers are really the major unknown for me. I cannot predict who will get the starting nod at linebacker, but if the 2010 roster is any indication, I think they will have depth at that position.
Lastly the secondary. While they are returning all of their starters from last year, the numbers from last year are not that impressive. Pass Defense ranked 201st in the nation, and 8th in the conference. This may be an issue, but I think these numbers will improve with the experience factor and with some overall scheme changes on defense.
Ferrum's average margin of defeat was 6.3 points. Their average margin of victory was 17.75 points. One of their losses was in overtime. (E&H), and one of their wins was in triple overtime. (Methodist) What this tells me is they were a lot closer to being 5-5 or 6-4 than they were to being 3-7 or 2-8.
For the upcoming season, I think you will see a marked difference, and I think you will see it right from the start. Look for Ferrum to be the most improved team in the conference, and look for them to grab the attention of every other conference team starting on Sept. 3rd.

Go Panthers!

25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays: #19 Students Parties

Checking in at #19 on our countdown of 25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays are Student Parties.  I touched on this in our #25 entry, State Street, but I love heading into A2 and seeing the houses on State Street overflowing with students and their bashes (of course, they're not limited to State, but those are the ones most visible to those of us who are no longer students).

Such parties, on seemingly each and every block, make college football better than a pro game any day.  Hands down.

When you're in school, of course, it seems those parties will go on forever.  Each week culminating in a mass of friends and booze on Saturday.  Sadly, that's not exactly what happens.  Get a few years removed from college, settle down, have a few kids, and a rockin' Saturday night is the babysitter saying she can stay an extra hour so you can grab a quick coffee after the shitty movie you and your wife saw.

Post-college, Quarters is no longer a game you play on Saturdays, it's that change your wife digs out of her purse after you super-lucked out and found a parking spot actually near where you want to be.

So if you're reading this blog and you're still a student, live that shit up! 

Actually, #19 shouldn't be limited to student parties but should really be students in general.  Because as pumped as I still get for the games, I can't top the students.  Put it this way, my first thought now when I see a bunch of dudes with no shirts on at a game in mid-November with a windchill near 20 is, "Holy crap!  That's crazy!"  Of course, they're thinking, "Dude, we're gonna get on TV, and then get laid!"

Advantage: students.

But back to the parties.

You gotta love how they swarm the yards at those parties.  Their plastic red cups in hand, they surround the keg like ants on a bee carcass.

Meanwhile, you just watch as you pass with your wife/girlfriend/friends.  Remembering those times from your own college days.  Different and yet unchanged.  Your memories and their current experiences all intertwined by the common thread that is a Meeeechigan football Saturday.

George C. Scott watches Colin Cowherd

If you're a longtime reader of the MZone, you know our history with ESPN "personality" Colin Cowherd.  So it's no secret that we're not big fans of his work.

Apparently we're not alone...



Move over, Hitler - there's a new meme in town.

Wolverine Blog's Ace Anbender named MGoBlog Recruiting Ninja

Ace Anbender, founder of The Wolverine Blog, has been named the new "recruiting ninja" for MGoBlog*.  As a result, he's leaving behind his duties at TWB after being called up to the The Show.

Just wanted to wish Ace continued success on his new endeavor.  Be sure to read him on MGo and follow him on Twitter.

*  Did you chuckle that I hyper-linked MGo, as if you don't already have it bookmarked as a favorite?  ("MGo...Blog, you say?  Huh.  I'm a huge Michigan fan but I never heard of it.  Thanks for the link, Yost.")

O.P.P. - Other Programs' Problems

HONK AT LSU FOOTBALL PLAYERS AT YOUR OWN RISK

Four LSU football players, including starting QB Jordan Jefferson, were involved in a bar fight that was "caused" when some poor sap honked at a group of people blocking his exit from the bar parking lot.

Now, rather than giving there side of the story, they're lawyering up.

Coach Les "The Mad Clapper" Miles apologized for the fight and said it occurred after the entire team checked in for last Thursday's 10:30 p.m. curfew.  Oops.

Now, if ol' Lester really is a disciple of Bo Schembechler, as he claims to be, then this should be fairly easy for Miles to deal with.  Put it this way, if Les had pulled this shit when he played for Bo, he'd be so far in the dog house, the fleas would have a better chance of seeing the field before Les did.

But the 4th ranked LSU Tigers open the season on September 3rd against the 3rd ranked Oregon Ducks at Cowboy Stadium.  Put up or shut up, Les.

You Know You're Screwed When They're Talking About Your Troubles in Taiwan

I didn't even think they knew about American college football in Taiwan.  But apparently Miami's transgressions were so egregious they warranted the full-on Taiwanese animation treatment, an honor usually reserved for bigger, more worldly stories such as the cancellation of the George Lopez show and Abercrombie & Fitch giving the ditch to "The Sitch."

Eat your heart out, OSU*



(via EDSBS)

Wandering the Streets of A2

Mikoyan, proprietor of the photography-based blog Michigan Exposures and frequent MZone contributor, recently wandered the streets of A2, camera in hand.  Don't know about you, but I never tire of seeing the campus.  Even more so now that I don't live close enough to make it there on a regular basis.  And with many of our readers also spread across the country, thought you'd like to get ready for Meeechigan's upcoming season with a stroll around A2.

Let the memories commence!

No stop to U-M's campus would be complete without walking past the Endover Cube or, as it's more commonly known, The Cube.

Remember the first time you spun it?

Next up is the Fleming Administration Building. Need to know more? Take it away, Mikoyan:

This building was designed by Alden Dow who was the son of the founder of Dow Chemical and resident of Michigan. He started out his academic career at the University of Michigan and was studying engineering to work at his father's company. After three years, he transferred to Columbia University where he studied architecture. He worked with the Saginaw firm of Frantz and Spence for a while and then he studied under Frank Lloyd Wright. After which he returned to Midland and opened his own firm.
Construction on the Fleming Building started in 1965 and was completed in 1968. It houses the Adminstration of the University. It almost looks like it could be used as a fortress if necessary.

I agree about the fortress assessment.  And because the Fleming Administration Building has been the site of many-a-student protest over the years, it's probably a good idea!

Ready for its next student protest

Ah, The Michigan Union. One of my favorite buildings on the entire campus. Below, Mikoyan looks up at the Michigan Union Tower.

Any alums of the U-M law school? Then the pic below of the reading room will bring back some memories. Or as I call it, "that place you went after you realized the Ugli wasn't for studying."

SHHHHHH!

Below is a shot Mikoyan took looking north on State Street.  While the names of the restaurants and bars may change every couple of years, thankfully, it still looks the same.

Obviously school's not in session: nobody is almost getting run over!

What better place to end our quick trip around A2 than a walk through the Diag. Here's a shot of West Engineering building.

Last, but not least...

I still won't step on the damn thing!

If you look close, you'll notice the "M" at the center of the Diag was a gift from the class of '53.  Talk about the ultimate class gift!  There is no way to top that.  You just know the class of '54 was going, "We are so fucked!"

Which is probably why I don't believe my class did anything (at least not to my knowlege).  I'm guessing everybody post-'53 just said, screw it. 

We're looking for a few good bloggers!

UPDATE:  Thanks for all the emails regarding guest blogging here at the MZone!  Gonna leave this up top a couple days in case folks missed it and want to contact us.  Really love that folks want to join our merry band of bloggers.  Who knows, maybe we'll find a way to really expand the MZone.  You'll find our new material below this post. 

Have you always wanted to be a world-famous blogger?  Sharing your rapier wit with humanity while fending off all the babes who regularly throw themselves at dudes who blog?

"I love bloggers!"

Now is your chance.

Andy's been out of commission lately and, unfortunately, it's been a busier than normal time for me on the work front as well ("What?!  Yost has a real job?!).  As a result, providing you, the loyal MZone reader, with our usual daily dose of hilarious thought-provoking amazing free content has been a challenge.

Thus, if you'd like to procrastinate with the best of them and reach the Michigan Masses (and the occasional Buckeye reader as well), shoot us an email.  You too can join the exciting, sexy world of collegiate football blogging!  Posts can be the occasional guest column or something more regular. 

Don't delay!  Operators are standing by!

No experience necessary.  Ability to Photoshop a plus.  Void where prohibited.  Must be 18 years of age or older.  Offer not valid in Columbus and parts of the SEC.

Rankings- It's Not Rocket Science, but it's pretty close to it

There are several ranking systems out there today that project where teams will finish. The first ranking that I look for each year is the coaches poll in the USA South. I always find it interesting to see who they think will win it all, and then see how it really comes out. By the way, how did they do last season?


2010 coaches poll:


1. North Carolina Wesleyan 45 points- 5 first place votes

2. Averett 41 points- 2 first place votes

3. Christopher Newport 40 points 1 first place vote

4. Ferrum 28 points

T5. Greensboro 21 points
Maryville 21 points

7. Shenandoah 20 points

8. Methodist 8 points




Here is how they ended up-

SCHOOL	CONFERENCE	OVERALL
N.C. Wesleyan	6-1	7-3
Chris. Newport (Conf. Champion)	6-1	6-5
Ferrum	4-3	4-6
Shenandoah	4-3	4-6
Averett	3-4	5-5
Maryville (Tenn.)	3-4	4-6
Greensboro	1-6	2-8
Methodist	1-6	2-8

So last season, the coaches were a little off. Christopher Newport came up with the wins when they needed them, and won the conference. Wesleyan came in second as they lost to CNU. Averett tailed off in the later stages of the season, and Ferrum posted wins late after digging themselves a big hole.


As I have already reported on this years coaches poll, I will now focus on three other ranking systems that rate all of the the D3 teams.


Massey Ratings Systems- First, I will not pretend to understand all of the methodology used by any of these prognosticators. Massey is a system that has been around for a while, and can rate just about every sports team imaginable. Even High School teams.


This year for D3 football, it ranks 240 teams....(They include the Apprentice School which is not included in all rankings) 


Ferrum is ranked 164th in the nation of 240 teams. The entire USA South team rankings from Massey are below:


North Carolina Wesleyan- 79th
Christopher Newport- 113th
Ferrum- 164th
Averett- 167th
Maryville- 180th
Shenandoah- 187th
Methodist-210th
Greensboro- 224th


To understand how Massey arrives at its rankings, you can read about their processes and methodology at


http://masseyratings.com/theory/massey.htm


The next set of ratings comes from Atomic Football-


This system of predicting where someone will finish is complex, and is difficult to interpret and understand. The following is a link to their system from their website...good luck figuring their methods of rating teams:


http://www.knology.net/jashburn/football/af-algorithm.html




Within this page on their website is a section called "The Paper" Their is a clickable link that gives you 33 pages of the most complex mumbo jumbo you have ever seen. (click it...I dare you) I am guessing they are fairly accurate, but how they come up with their predictions is amazing, or boring, depending on how you look at it.


Atomic Football has Ferrum projected to be 5-5. The full projections of the USA South teams , as I understand them, are below:


Averett 6-4
CNU 6-4
Ferrum 5-5
Greensboro 2-8
Maryville 4-6
Methodist 2-8
NCW 7-3
Shenandoah 3-7




The last rankings system is put out by D3football.com. This should come out on or around the 23rd of August. I am expecting that this rating will give the edge to CNU or NCW. They will likely have Ferrum 4th, but possibly third. We will have to wait and see. Along with the team rankings, D3football.com will also rank all of the d3 conferences. Look for the USA South to be in the bottom third, but may be slightly higher than last year.


As for their methods for determining their rankings, I am guessing that they are looking more at what the teams lost from the previous years rosters, and gut feeling rather than scientific formulas.


It should be an interesting year...As for my predictions, I will stand by them, but they are fairly different from those already out. I think NCW will be a strong team, but will not be there in the end. CNU will have a strong team as always, but beatable. Shenandoah is a team that can and may surprise people. As for Ferrum, I have a good feeling, but they must win the big ones, and avoid being upset. I do not predict Ferrum to win it all, but I give them a far better chance that those other guys. 


Go Panthers!

Sodom & Gomorrah vs. Miami

In case you missed it (and the only way you could have is if ESPN is your primary source of college football news), the Miami Hurricane football program has been doing its best SMU impression over the last decade or so.  From cash, to prostitutes to abortions (yes, you read that correctly), a convicted felon lavished untold amounts of funds and flesh on the 'Cane program which could lead to the dreaded "death penalty" for Miami.

Seriously, it was so bad I bet when Barry Switzer heard about what was going on at "The U," even he went, "Are f*cking serious?!  Holy crap, that place is crooked."

Apparently, the illegal benefits started in 2002, making the 2003 Miami/Ohio State Fiesta Bowl BCS Championship Game probably the most tainted title game in NCAA history (sorry, Tosu fans, I'm just taking Mo' Clarett at his word).

As a Michigan fan, I don't really have a horse in this race except from the broad "integrity of the game" perspective.  But I did chafe when I saw an article on the scandal talking about what it saw as the problems in college football as evidenced by all the recent NCAA violations at big name programs such as Miami, USC, Ohio State...and Michigan.

Yes, because those are all so equal.  It's like getting lumped in with the Boston Strangler because you were convicted of a jaywalking ticket.  I'm reminded of the old Sesame Street tune, "One of these things is not like the others.  One of these things just doesn't belong..."

How bad were things at Miami?  Put it this way, there really is no comparison to other college football programs.  That's why we here at the MZone have compared their transgressions to the only places even close to what went on there: the biblical towns of Sodom and Gomorrah.

                                        MIAMI                                               SODOM & GOMORRAH

ILLICIT SEX:                     ✔                                                                     ✔

PROSTITUTION:                ✔                                                                     ✔

JET SKIS:                         ✔

ABORTIONS:                     ✔                                                               PROBABLY

TURN PEOPLE
INTO PILLARS                                                                                          ✔
OF SALT:                                                                                      

FREE TVs:                         ✔

ANGEL RAPE:                                                                                           ✔

LAP DANCES BY
BY STRIPPER                     ✔                                                                    
NAMED ANGEL:

GENERAL
WICKEDNESS:                  ✔                                                                      ✔

DESTROYED BY
THE LORD:                                                                                               ✔

ABOUT TO BE
DESTROYED BY              ✔
THE NCAA:

25 Things We Love About Michigan Football Saturdays: #20 Ticket Stubs & Programs

If I ever - ever - start a countdown list on this blog again, somebody please just smack me in the f*cking head.  Son of a bitch!  The problem with these lists is that I feel compelled to do them once started.  But then blogging, rather being the fun hobby I enjoy as an escape, becomes like a job and/or homework.  Something I have to do (like make fun of people who still think Tressel was an innocent scapegoat).  And that defeats the whole purpose of blogging.  For cryin' out loud, this countdown was started so that its finish would coincide with the home opener.  But that plan's already gone to shit.*  Oh well, I digress.  Because today we somehow reach...

#20: Ticket Stubs & Game Programs

This dual item (they really do go hand-in-hand) harkens back to my childhood.  I don't think anybody who started going to Michigan games as a kid didn't love leaving A2 with a game program and a well-preserved ticket stub as souvenirs.  Sure, the bigger ticket items like a hat and a shirt were nice, but the actual ticket and corresponding program were a way to relive the game again that night and for months (or years) to come.

Just looking at this cover and
reliving what happened still hurts

Personally, I would get home from the game, still sky-high from the experience, then immediately begin browsing through the program again.  Memorizing tidbits about the coaching staff from their bios (holy crap, Fred Jackson has been there forever!).  Marveling at how old the players all looked when I was a kid (18, 19, 20 and 21, my ass!  These were grown, old men).  Trying to figure out that scheduling chart at the end of the program with all the Big 10 teams (when indeed it was just 10).

And the ticket stubs.  I'd collect mine, saving them along with the other important worldly possessions of an eight year old: comic books, some piece of crap from a cereal box, that gift your grandma gave you that you never played with but your mom wouldn't let you throw away.  Yet while the comic books, cereal box toy and gift quickly did vanish, I kept those ticket stubs for years, each one bringing forth a small smile of remembrance.  The first Big House game I'd ever been to; some crappy blow out game in which the outcome was never in doubt (remember those days?).  My first Michigan-Ohio State game (when we won those, too).  And other "special" games.  A big play.  A great comeback.  Special memories with my friends or family.  All from an old ticket stub.

Then, when I got older, while I stopped saving the ticket stubs and became a season ticket holder.  And if you are also a season ticket holder, there is nothing - and I mean nothing - that can get a grown Michigan Man as excited (okay, a few things) as getting his season tickets in the mail.  It's, well, like this...



Actually, I think a Michigan Man getting his tickets in the mail is slightly more excited than that.  Maybe it's just me.

* No, this won't be the last time I bitch about this countdown.  Hell, in time, the bitching may actually overtake the countdown content.  Which might even be more entertaining for you, the loyal MZone reader.  It'll be a cyber-meltdown for all to enjoy.  Grab some popcorn and stay tuned!

Alchol to make Ohio government better; the MZone welcomes a new member

Ohio: Where real life feels like an Onion headline

Ohio, home of "take your guns to the sporting events" laws has another "no-brainer" they're considering (and I literally mean no brain): state officials are debating a proposal to establish the nation's only statehouse bar.

That's right.  Get smashed, make laws.

O-H...!

College student?  That's my state rep!

Tressel's consultation with Browns yields predictable results

Yesterday, we blogged about Jim Tressel showing up on the sidelines during the Cleveland Browns training camp.  Well, you just knew how that was going to end.

ED. NOTE: With this 'Shopped picture above, I'd like to officially welcome the newest member of the MZone team, Rigby.  Rigby will be handling Photoshop duties here at the MZone as well as some other things he's working on.  

As you know, the Photoshop position here at the MZone is second in importance only to the ability to find scantily clad co-ed pix (a thankless job I do because I'm selfless like that).  Since our founding in 2005, there have only been two resident Photoshop gurus here: Benny, who departed during The Original MZone (respect) and may or may not currently be in the Witness Protection Program, and Andy, who gave the MZone family a home via Spawn of MZone after T.O.M.Z. was shuttered in '08 then convinced me to come back full-time last fall, but has recently decided to hang up his keyboard.  

While those are gigantic keystrokes to fill, I have no doubt Rigby will be able to step in and help us to continue to fulfill your procrastination needs so that you keep getting paid for doing very little at work.

Blogtweets

If you tweet...

You can follow me and the Ferrum College Football Report on Twitter.

twitter.com/Ferrum82.

While this Twitter account is used to promote the blog, it does not replicate the blog. It will however help you keep up with Ferrum football.
Go Panthers!

Jim Tressel now sells stir-fry and wears his cellphone on his belt

Jim Tressel: From Coaching Great to Marketing Slogan in Mere Months

MZone reader William sent us this pic taken at Washtenaw and Huron Parkway in A2 on August 14th.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Speaking of Tressel...

Carr and Tressel: The MZone Transcript

SiC and Ex sent us the story about Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr both showing up on the sidelines on the sidelines of a Cleveland Browns training camp practice. 

JIM TRESSEL: "Lloyd, remember when I said I didn't sic those bomb sniffing dogs on your team bus?  I lied about that, too."

LLOYD CARR: "No surprise.  Hey, don't know if you heard, but I was just elected to the College Football Hall of Fame.  So how's your summer going?"

JIM TRESSEL: "Well, I traded in my vest for the black cellphone holder I now wear here on my belt.  Awesome, right? I just got a job in middle-management at Target."

Michigan Legends

Below is a guest post by our friend and frequent MZone contributor, Mikoyan, proprietor of the photography-based blog, Michigan Exposures.  Camera in hand, Mikoyan recently set out around Ann Arbor to find the final resting spots of three Meeechigan legends: Bo Schembechler, Fielding H. Yost and Bob Ufer.

The first grave I found was Bo's because the website I found its picture on gave a pretty good idea of where it was. The other two involved a bit of searching but I did manage to locate them.

Glenn Schembechler was born in Ohio on April 1, 1929. His nickname of Bo came from his sister's attempt to say brother when he was younger. One of Bo's lessons came from his father who refused to cheat on a Firefighter exam and didn't get the promotion he was seeking because he scored one lower than the people who did cheat. From this Bo taught hard work and integrity.

Bo went to Miami University in Ohio where he played football as a tackle under Sid Gillman whose style laid the groundwork for the West Coast Offense. Prior to Bo's final season, Gillman went on to coach at Cincinatti and the program was taken over by Woody Hayes. Bo graduated from Miami in 1951 and earned a Master's Degree from Ohio State in 1952 where he was an assistant coach under Woody Hayes.

Bo had a number of assistant jobs until he got his first head coaching job at Miami University in 1963. He would serve as the head coach there until he got the job at Michigan in 1968. His tenure as head coach would yield him a record of 234-65-8, only Joe Paterno and Tom Osborne recorded 200 wins faster than Bo. His bowl record was not as good which meant he didn't win many national championships. Despite that, he is revered by Michigan fans everywhere (including this Michigan fan). Heart trouble meant that he retired at the age of 60 in 1989. He was followed by coach Gary Moeller. He died in 2006 just before the Michigan-Ohio State game.

It was a little harder for me to find Fielding Yost's grave as the location I had wasn't the greatest. Finally, I managed to look up the website for the cemetary and they had a pretty nice locator on it and I found it immediately.

Fielding Yost was born on April 30, 1871 in Fairview, West Virginia. He enrolled at the Ohio Normal School where he played baseball. He later enrolled at West Virginia University where he played football until 1896.

He was a for single seasons at Ohio Wesleyan, Nebraska, Kansas, Stanford and San Jose State until he became the head coach at Michigan in 1901. He was very successful at Michigan where he racked up a record of 165-29-10. Under Yost, Michigan would win a total of 6 National Championships. His 1901 team would outscore it's opponents 550-0 enroute to a perfect season and victory over Stanford in the First Rose Bowl. This would be the first of the point a minute teams.

From 1901 to 1904, Yost never lost and only tied once. This tie was in the legendary game against the Minnesota Gophers where the Little Brown Jug was formed. Basically, Yost didn't trust the people in Minnesota, so he brought his own water supply. He left one of the brown jugs behind and was told that if he wanted it back, he'd have to win it. Thus College Football's first trophy was born.

He retired from coaching in 1926 and would become Michigan's Athletic Director. Under his leadership Michigan Stadium, Yost Fieldhouse (now the Ice Arena) and the golf course were constructed. This leads to one of Michigan Stadium's nicknames - The House that Yost Built. He died in 1946 of a gall bladder attack.

The whole Yost family

Right across from Yost's grave is Bob Ufer's grave.

For me, Bob Ufer is probably Michigan football the most. I admired Bo and I knew about Yost and I would watch Bo on Saturdays but I would listen to Ufer when I started to listen to Michigan football games. Unfortunately, he died before I really got into football but his game calls are legendary and you can hear some of them online. There were many people in the state who would turn down the TV to watch the game but would listen to it on the radio. Nobody could bring the game alive quite like Mr. Ufer.

Bob Ufer was born on April 1, 1920 in Lebanon, Pennsylvania. He would attend the University of Michigan where he was a stand out track athlete. In 1944, he would become the radio announcer for Michigan football and would hold the spot until 1981 shortly before he died of cancer. His football broadcasts were highly biased in favor of Michigan and you could hear his allegiance in his voice and there was no question which team he was rooting for. These broadcasts would be accompanied by a horn from Patton's jeep which he would blow three times for a touchdown, twice for a field goal and once for an extra point. He would get really exuberant when Michigan won and really sad when the lost. He had a head for facts and it showed during his broadcasts.

Here is a good link to his broadcasts and some more stuff about his life.

God bless his cotton pickin' maize and blue heart!