U-M/ND game was "Under the Lights," Miami/OSU is "Under Investigation"

(from MZone wire reports)  Coral Gables, FL -- After the success of the Michigan-Notre Dame game being marketed as "Under the Lights" to mark the first night game in Big House history, school officials at Miami and Ohio State have decided to rename their upcoming game "Under Investigation" in a nod to both schools' ongoing problems with the NCAA.

"It's branding at its best," said Ohio State athletic director and Jim Tressel apologist, Gene Smith.  "The Michigan and Notre Dame contest had a logo and commemorative shirts.  We wanted to do the same thing for our game.  I just hope each team has enough eligible players to actually play the damn thing."

Miami AD Shawn Eichorst couldn't be reached for comment as head was apparently still buried in the sand somewhere near South Beach.

In an online exclusive, MZone investigative reporter Rigby has secretly obtained the new logos to be used for this once in a life-time showdown (because Miami just may get the death penalty): 

O.P.P. - Other Programs' Problems

HONK AT LSU FOOTBALL PLAYERS AT YOUR OWN RISK

Four LSU football players, including starting QB Jordan Jefferson, were involved in a bar fight that was "caused" when some poor sap honked at a group of people blocking his exit from the bar parking lot.

Now, rather than giving there side of the story, they're lawyering up.

Coach Les "The Mad Clapper" Miles apologized for the fight and said it occurred after the entire team checked in for last Thursday's 10:30 p.m. curfew.  Oops.

Now, if ol' Lester really is a disciple of Bo Schembechler, as he claims to be, then this should be fairly easy for Miles to deal with.  Put it this way, if Les had pulled this shit when he played for Bo, he'd be so far in the dog house, the fleas would have a better chance of seeing the field before Les did.

But the 4th ranked LSU Tigers open the season on September 3rd against the 3rd ranked Oregon Ducks at Cowboy Stadium.  Put up or shut up, Les.

You Know You're Screwed When They're Talking About Your Troubles in Taiwan

I didn't even think they knew about American college football in Taiwan.  But apparently Miami's transgressions were so egregious they warranted the full-on Taiwanese animation treatment, an honor usually reserved for bigger, more worldly stories such as the cancellation of the George Lopez show and Abercrombie & Fitch giving the ditch to "The Sitch."

Eat your heart out, OSU*



(via EDSBS)

Sodom & Gomorrah vs. Miami

In case you missed it (and the only way you could have is if ESPN is your primary source of college football news), the Miami Hurricane football program has been doing its best SMU impression over the last decade or so.  From cash, to prostitutes to abortions (yes, you read that correctly), a convicted felon lavished untold amounts of funds and flesh on the 'Cane program which could lead to the dreaded "death penalty" for Miami.

Seriously, it was so bad I bet when Barry Switzer heard about what was going on at "The U," even he went, "Are f*cking serious?!  Holy crap, that place is crooked."

Apparently, the illegal benefits started in 2002, making the 2003 Miami/Ohio State Fiesta Bowl BCS Championship Game probably the most tainted title game in NCAA history (sorry, Tosu fans, I'm just taking Mo' Clarett at his word).

As a Michigan fan, I don't really have a horse in this race except from the broad "integrity of the game" perspective.  But I did chafe when I saw an article on the scandal talking about what it saw as the problems in college football as evidenced by all the recent NCAA violations at big name programs such as Miami, USC, Ohio State...and Michigan.

Yes, because those are all so equal.  It's like getting lumped in with the Boston Strangler because you were convicted of a jaywalking ticket.  I'm reminded of the old Sesame Street tune, "One of these things is not like the others.  One of these things just doesn't belong..."

How bad were things at Miami?  Put it this way, there really is no comparison to other college football programs.  That's why we here at the MZone have compared their transgressions to the only places even close to what went on there: the biblical towns of Sodom and Gomorrah.

                                        MIAMI                                               SODOM & GOMORRAH

ILLICIT SEX:                     ✔                                                                     ✔

PROSTITUTION:                ✔                                                                     ✔

JET SKIS:                         ✔

ABORTIONS:                     ✔                                                               PROBABLY

TURN PEOPLE
INTO PILLARS                                                                                          ✔
OF SALT:                                                                                      

FREE TVs:                         ✔

ANGEL RAPE:                                                                                           ✔

LAP DANCES BY
BY STRIPPER                     ✔                                                                    
NAMED ANGEL:

GENERAL
WICKEDNESS:                  ✔                                                                      ✔

DESTROYED BY
THE LORD:                                                                                               ✔

ABOUT TO BE
DESTROYED BY              ✔
THE NCAA: