Getting Pumped for Saturday with Ufer

As we get ready for Saturday's Michigan-Notre Dame showdown in Under the Lights 2, thought we'd dig into the ol' MZone archives for one of our favorite videos from last year: What if Bob Ufer had called the U-M/ND classic from last season?  It probably would have gone something like this...

Something to share with your Ohio friends this week

In honor of Michigan-Ohio Week, we reach back into the MZone Archives for one of your favorites.  Below is a little something you can pass on to your Buckeye friends this week (and really, throughout the year).  

You're welcome!

First there was the ESPN "Without sports" commercial of the Ohio State/Michigan couple making out on the couch. Now comes this one...

George C. Scott watches Colin Cowherd

If you're a longtime reader of the MZone, you know our history with ESPN "personality" Colin Cowherd.  So it's no secret that we're not big fans of his work.

Apparently we're not alone...



Move over, Hitler - there's a new meme in town.

Sodom & Gomorrah vs. Miami

In case you missed it (and the only way you could have is if ESPN is your primary source of college football news), the Miami Hurricane football program has been doing its best SMU impression over the last decade or so.  From cash, to prostitutes to abortions (yes, you read that correctly), a convicted felon lavished untold amounts of funds and flesh on the 'Cane program which could lead to the dreaded "death penalty" for Miami.

Seriously, it was so bad I bet when Barry Switzer heard about what was going on at "The U," even he went, "Are f*cking serious?!  Holy crap, that place is crooked."

Apparently, the illegal benefits started in 2002, making the 2003 Miami/Ohio State Fiesta Bowl BCS Championship Game probably the most tainted title game in NCAA history (sorry, Tosu fans, I'm just taking Mo' Clarett at his word).

As a Michigan fan, I don't really have a horse in this race except from the broad "integrity of the game" perspective.  But I did chafe when I saw an article on the scandal talking about what it saw as the problems in college football as evidenced by all the recent NCAA violations at big name programs such as Miami, USC, Ohio State...and Michigan.

Yes, because those are all so equal.  It's like getting lumped in with the Boston Strangler because you were convicted of a jaywalking ticket.  I'm reminded of the old Sesame Street tune, "One of these things is not like the others.  One of these things just doesn't belong..."

How bad were things at Miami?  Put it this way, there really is no comparison to other college football programs.  That's why we here at the MZone have compared their transgressions to the only places even close to what went on there: the biblical towns of Sodom and Gomorrah.

                                        MIAMI                                               SODOM & GOMORRAH

ILLICIT SEX:                     ✔                                                                     ✔

PROSTITUTION:                ✔                                                                     ✔

JET SKIS:                         ✔

ABORTIONS:                     ✔                                                               PROBABLY

TURN PEOPLE
INTO PILLARS                                                                                          ✔
OF SALT:                                                                                      

FREE TVs:                         ✔

ANGEL RAPE:                                                                                           ✔

LAP DANCES BY
BY STRIPPER                     ✔                                                                    
NAMED ANGEL:

GENERAL
WICKEDNESS:                  ✔                                                                      ✔

DESTROYED BY
THE LORD:                                                                                               ✔

ABOUT TO BE
DESTROYED BY              ✔
THE NCAA:

Texas A&M does "walk of shame" after getting boned by SEC

(from MZone wire reports) College Station, TX - In a humiliating episode for a school with a proud tradition of grabbing their own and other teams' junk, Texas A&M was forced to do the the "walk of shame" after it was screwed by the SEC over the weekend.  SEC officials met Sunday and rejected A&M's request to leave the Texas Longhorn League Big 12 for the Southeastern Conference.

Texas A&M walks home after getting f*cked by the SEC

"I hope he''ll call," said Texas A&M, looking like complete shit as she trudged back to Texas wearing the same thing she wore to the SEC headquarters in Birmingham, AL, the day before.  "I told the SEC I love him.  So he said he'd call.  Do you think he'll call?  Should I Facebook him?"

Unfortunately for Texas A&M, all signs point to no.

As Texas A&M was leaving Birmingham, some SEC members could be seen looking out the window and laughing.

"Texas A&M is like a 2 a.m. booty call," said defending National Champion and SEC member Auburn.  "You know she'll head over anytime, so you don't respect her."

LSU agreed.  "They're almost as bad as Missouri."

So, just what exactly happened?  In an MZone Exclusive, we have obtained a secret recording of the discussions between Texas A&M and the SEC.  Behold...

UPDATE: Thought the vid needed a little music so I added it to the clip below.  Here's the original sans soundtrack.

MZone Art History: Mona Lisa After One Semester at Ohio State

The MZone isn't just about crass, low-brow humor. Far from it. We also seek to enlighten. Case in point, the inaugural edition today of a new feature we like to call MZone Art History.

Enjoy. Learn. Laugh.

Why getting married in The Big House is a bad idea

On the face of it, it sounds like an awesome idea: you can now tie the knot at The Big House.  Say "I do" right on the giant block 'M' at the 50.

Sure, it's a little pricey - $6K for a one hour ceremony on the field, $9K to use the big Jack Roth Stadium Club for the reception.  Then again, you ain't exactly renting a Ramada Inn ballroom, either.

For diehard Michigan fans, what could be better, right?

But in the words of Lee Corso, "Not so fast, my friend."

Why, you ask?  Simple math.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, in some cases), something like 50% of marriages end in divorce.  One out of two. And when one is divorced, quite often things that remind one of the ol' ex or The Day That Wasn't Meant To Be aren't, shall we say, a good thing.

Which means, if you bleed Maize and Blue and get married at The Big House, there's a 50/50 chance that, one day, sitting in the Hole that Yost Dug could be bring up memories as painful as watching a U-M coach sing Josh Groban tunes at the football banquet.  Just walking inside the gates at Stadium and Main could, conceivably, bring about the same sense of dread once reserved for settling in to witness one of Gerg's 3-3-5 defensive cluster fucks flailing around on the field.

Think about it.

When you watch a Michigan tailback tear off a 52-yard TD run into the south endzone, do you want to celebrate along with him?  Or do you want to be reminded that he's being mobbed by his teammates in the exact same spot that your former sister-in-law with the overly loud laugh kept making snide remarks about the best man following the ceremony?

When the drum major bends all the way back like he does during The Victors, do you want to marvel at his flexibility, or be reminded of your ex-wife's - which she's now sharing with that guy "Blaine" from Facebook who she swore was "just a co-worker?"

When a roar goes up in The Big House, do you really want to hear her attorney's voice informing you that your ex will now be living in your house?

Look, I'm not unromantic, I'm a realist.  Here to help you, the MZone reader, keep your love of Michigan football untarnished.  Pure.  Scar-free.  Because that's what I do, people - I give.  I give so one day you don't detest that which you love most.

So, is it really worth the risk?

You're welcome.

P.S.  Need the number for the Ramada Inn?

Keep it pure

Now playing at the MZone Theater: Weekend at Brutus's

Last week, we brought you the, uh...touching...story of the deceased Buckeye fan whose family made their dearly departed dad the "permanent 'i'" in O-H-I-O.

Well, with a story like that, you knew it was only a matter of time before Hollywood got involved.  

MZone Exclusive: OSU iPhone App Final Screen Layout

Last week, Ohio State president and second-in-command to the football coach Gordon Gee gushed about a new Ohio State app for the iPhone:

Just downloaded wonderful new OSU iPhone app. All things Scarlet & Gray at a touch. I love it! 

 And the iTunes description for the app reads:

Hey Buckeyes, put campus in your pocket with the OSU Mobile app. Easy access to everything Ohio State offers, from viewing your grades to finding the nearest pizza shop. It’s free! Download it now! 

Couple things:  Looking for a "pizza shop?"  A "pizza shop?"  Is my grandmother designing apps now?  I guess they go to the pizza shop after they grab a drink from the soda fountain.  Second, of course it's free.  Aren't all things in Columbus?  (at least if you play football)

But the main thing we noticed was that the picture on the page couldn't have been for the final layout.  I mean the letter on the grade icon was an "A."  At Ohio State?  Yeah, right.

So in an MZone exclusive we have obtained a picture of the finished screen layout for the Ohio State iPhone App.  Behold...

The Most Interesting (Michigan) Man in the World

Several months ago I started thinking about an idea for another MZone video.  Unfortunately, life intervened and I never got around to it.

But, last week, our friend Dave at Maize n Brew did a piece that inspired me to finish the darn thing.

So MZone Motion Picture Corp, in association with I Need To Stop Wasting Valuable Productive Time Making These Things When I Should Be Working, presents...

The Most Interesting (Michigan) Man in the World

(HT: CadillacMatt95 for the music)

Meet Luke Fickell

Ohio State officially unveiled interim INTERIM INTERIM (emphasis Ohio State's, not MZone's) head coach Luke Fickell yesterday.  Here's a brief bit of the presser...

(Smith intro via Eleven Warriors)

What?

That's not him? Are you sure?

Well...okay. 

Here's another clip of some other dude talking in Columbus yesterday.




If I were a Buckeye fan (and I thank the Lord each and every day that I am not), he doesn't exactly inspire a ton o' confidence based on this press conference (either of the above).  Hell, he looks like the 37-year-old assistant that he was until the "Fickell" finger of football fate tapped him on the shoulder. Then again, the guy was thrown into a no-win (or some would say, no-lose) situation. 

But you never know.  Who would've thought that Lloyd Carr would've gone on to a National Title and Hall of Fame career when he got his unexpected shot?  Same guys just step up when the rest of the world counts them out.

Yet Fickell's future in Columbus may not come down to W's and L's.

When asked if he had known of any past or present NCAA violations or any players or coaches who had done the same, Fickell stumbled through the following answer:

“You know I can honestly say that um...where I wasn’t going to say I had blinders on but...very focused at the task at hand and I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.”

It was almost as if he was trying to address a second part to that question which wasn't asked: “If the cars and memorabilia and tattoos were so prevelant, how could you not have noticed, too?  Everyone else on campus seemed to notice the cars the players were driving.”

So the bottom line is, if Tosu's Troubles turn out to be rampant in the program (and not isolated to the Tat 5), I think OSU is going to need a clean break with the past, no matter how well Luke Fickell does on the field (I'm also looking at you, Gene Smith and Gordon Gee).  He'll get the broom in after the season even if Urban Meyer isn't taking their calls. 

Finally, while we swear OSU's deer in the headlights INTERIM head coach looks like a certain waterboy, MZone reader JS said Fickell has "runaway bride eyes"...

The Wonderful World of Tressel presents Vestocchio

MZone Family Films, in association with the Wonderful World of Tressel, is proud to present the timeless animated classic...VESTOCCHIO.

Shot in stunning blogovision, Vestocchio tells the story of a 1-AA coach who dreamt of becoming big time coach.  But he was done in by his wooden ethics.

So sit back, relax and share the magic of...

VESTOCCHIO!

OSU names Happy Gilmore as interim head coach

With The Vest having been gone some four days now, it's time to start making fun of Ohio State's place-holder-until-they-beg-Urban-Meyer interim coach, Luke Fickell.

Now, we could go into great detail about Fickell's past and coaching experience, but why bother?  OSU fans don't want him coaching there any longer than he has to.  Hell, even Luke Fickell probably hopes Urban Meyer becomes Ohio State's next permanent coach.

But we did notice one thing we had to mention.  Is it just us or does Fickell look a hell of a lot like The Waterboy?

One is a major movie star, the other will probably end up being a wedding singer in 3 years

The Best of Tresselgate

In the wake of Ohio State coach Jim Tressel's quitting before he got fired resignation, we put a few of our favorite posts about the scandal in one convenient place for all your linkage needs.

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

The MZone

SCRIPT O-LIE-O!

TRESSELGATE DOUBLE FEATURE

And back for a special return engagement:

TRESSEL-I-AM

Two weeks ago - before Yahoo! Sports posted a story claiming that Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel knew about Buckeye players trading merchandise for free tattoos more than eight months before the school said it was made aware of the allegations - The Vest was photographed reading Dr. Seuss books to a group of school children in Ohio:

Well, in light of the recent allegations in C-bus, may we suggest the following for The Vest's next reading to the kids:

 An excerpt:

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
Terrelle and his tats!
And he said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?
I know it is wet
And the sun is not sunny.
But we can have lots of fun
Lots of fun with booster money!"


"I know some good bars to go to,"
Said the QB.
"We can drive in the new car
The new car dealer just loaned me!
We will take the car, take the car out for a ride.
My coach
Does not care, so I have nothing to hide!"


Then Sally and I
Did not know what to say.
But Terrelle said Coach Tressel
Would look the other way.


But our fish said, "No! No!
Make Terrelle go away!
Tell that Cat with the Tats
You do NOT want to play.
He should not be here,
He should be on probation!
He should be suspended
With the rest of Buckeye Nation!"


"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the QB
"I won't get caught
Since my coach just ignores me.
Why, we can have
Lots of fun doing my thing
With a game that I call
Selling my championship ring!"

An excerpt:

I do not like the game's laws and its rules
I do not like them, they're only for fools
I did not like them during the days of Clarett
I do not like them nor have been busted just yet
I let Terrelle Pryor get his free tats
Then claimed, "Oh, I did not know about that!"
I do not like the rules they have about class
The N-C-A-A can kiss my Vest-wearing ass
I do not like the rules out on the field
And if we get busted, I'll surely appeal
I do not like the rules here in the 'Shoe
And our fans do not care as long as I beat the Blue
I do not like rules here or there
I do not like them ANYWHERE!


REDLINED FIRST DRAFT OF OSU LETTER TO NCAA

Yesterday, we printed in full Ohio State's letter to the NCAA regarding Tresselgate.   Since then, portions of an earlier draft of the letter have been leaked.  Initially, in addition to missing the first two games of the 2011 season and paying a $250,000 fine, Ohio State officials considered banning Coach Jim Tressel from spring practice and summer camps.

And that's not the only shocker.

In the MZone exclusive below, we have obtained a copy of the heavily edited rough draft of the last "Conclusion" paragraph of that letter.  As you'll discover, significant changes were made before it was submitted.

The institution was wondering when the other shoe was gonna fall regarding the charade that is Cheaty McSweaterVest.  How the hell it took this long is beyond us is very surprised and disappointed in Coach Tressel's lack of action in this matter.  His behavior in this situation is par for the course out of character from him and is contrary to his proven history of saying one thing in those bullshit self-righteous books he pawns while doing another behind the scenes of promoting an atmosphere of NCAA compliance within the football program.  Since this shit has been going on ever since his hiring as the head football coach in 2001 (i.e. Maurice Clarett, Troy Smith, etc.), he and his staff have ignored attended the NCAA rules education sessions on a consistent basis, regularly made up sought interpretations, and self-reported an almost laughably huge fuckload of nearly 400 secondary violations.  His lack of truthfulness action in this matter appears to have been the result of thinking he was above the rules and wouldn't get caught as usual indecisiveness regarding the appropriate actions to take in this specific situation in which he was placed if you can even begin to wrap your head around what a huge set of stones it took to even try to pass that nonsense off as a plausible excuse, as opposed to a blatant disregard of NCAA legislation stretching back to his Youngstown State days.  Nevertheless, we recognize that because he wins a lot of games and beats Michigan, we look the other way when we can and offer the insulting slap on the wrist punishment in this letter now  that he should have forwarded this information in some manner to appropriate institutional officials.  With the exception of this mistake that you know about, he is a man  of integrity and high moral standards if you set the bar somewhere between, say, Pete Carroll and the SMU program during the Eric Dickerson years. 

This institution really hopes you'll buy the ginormous load of horse shit in this letter in the same way you shockingly believed the whole 'Cam Newton didn't know' steaming pile appreciates the cooperation of your staff in this inquiry.

Suckers, Sincerely,

Larry Gordon Gee, President

Moe John Bruno, Faculty Athletics Representative

Curly Gene Smith, Director of Athletics

cc: The assclown who tried to fuck with The Game 

    Mr. James E. Delany

To Ohio State, Integrity is Garbage

Over the weekend, got the following email from our pal SiC who, sadly, lives in C-bus:

Taking the wife to a concert @ Value City Arena. Swear to gawd as you walk in they have a tosu trash can with "integrity" posted on it. Had to take a pic.

As SiC said in a follow up email, you can't make this stuff up if you tried!  

Ohio State trashes its integrity

Caption contest, anyone?

UPDATE: Our pal Mikoyan did a little 'Shop to the pic and...

Tressel's Heroes: I know nothing...NOTHING!

Got the following email from MZone reader Bob last week:

I just read the article on Andy’s buffet about making Tressel stay and not firing him.   I had a thought when I read it and wanted to pass it on.

Excerpt from the article:

A few years ago Troy Smith, the Ohio State Heisman Trophy winner, admitted he had received improper benefits from boosters.

Tressel claimed no knowledge.

Before that, running back Maurice Clarett said in an ESPN The Magazine article that the coach, other members of the Buckeyes staff and Ohio State boosters were guilty of numerous N.C.A.A. improprieties, including providing him — and at times others — with free loaner cars, bogus jobs that paid well and passing grades for classes he did not attend. Nothing came of the accusations, and Clarett wound up in prison for crimes unrelated to football.

Then there was Ray Isaac, Tressel’s quarterback at Youngstown State. Isaac ran into trouble with the N.C.A.A. because he received improper benefits, including money and the use of cars.

Tressel, again, said he knew nothing, though Youngstown State eventually admitted to wrongdoing and accepted minor penalties.

We need a youtube extract of Sargent Schultz (from Hogan’s Heros)  saying “I know nothing”

Agreed. Your wish is our command, Bob. See below!

Script O-lie-o

(from MZone wire reports)  Columbus, OH - The Ohio State Marching Band (otherwise known as The Best Damn Band in Central Ohio!) will be adding a new formation this fall in honor of Tresselgate and The Vest's ever-evolving story on the matter.

Below, the MZone has obtained an exclusive picture of what it will look like.

In addition, each game a famous "miscommunicator" will be on hand in the 'Shoe to "dot the lie."  For the home opener this season, since Tressel himself won't be available, the school is in negotiations with the father of that "missing" balloon boy kid to do the honors.

MZone Exclusive: Redlined First Draft of OSU Letter to NCAA

Yesterday, we printed in full Ohio State's letter to the NCAA regarding Tresselgate.   Since then, portions of an earlier draft of the letter have been leaked.  Initially, in addition to missing the first two games of the 2011 season and paying a $250,000 fine, Ohio State officials considered banning Coach Jim Tressel from spring practice and summer camps.

And that's not the only shocker.

In the MZone exclusive below, we have obtained a copy of the heavily edited rough draft of the last "Conclusion" paragraph of that letter.  As you'll discover, significant changes were made before it was submitted.

The institution was wondering when the other shoe was gonna fall regarding the charade that is Cheaty McSweaterVest.  How the hell it took this long is beyond us is very surprised and disappointed in Coach Tressel's lack of action in this matter.  His behavior in this situation is par for the course out of character from him and is contrary to his proven history of saying one thing in those bullshit self-righteous books he pawns while doing another behind the scenes of promoting an atmosphere of NCAA compliance within the football program.  Since this shit has been going on ever since his hiring as the head football coach in 2001 (i.e. Maurice Clarett, Troy Smith, etc.), he and his staff have ignored attended the NCAA rules education sessions on a consistent basis, regularly made up sought interpretations, and self-reported an almost laughably huge fuckload of nearly 400 secondary violations.  His lack of truthfulness action in this matter appears to have been the result of thinking he was above the rules and wouldn't get caught as usual indecisiveness regarding the appropriate actions to take in this specific situation in which he was placed if you can even begin to wrap your head around what a huge set of stones it took to even try to pass that nonsense off as a plausible excuse, as opposed to a blatant disregard of NCAA legislation stretching back to his Youngstown State days.  Nevertheless, we recognize that because he wins a lot of games and beats Michigan, we look the other way when we can and offer the insulting slap on the wrist punishment in this letter now  that he should have forwarded this information in some manner to appropriate institutional officials.  With the exception of this mistake that you know about, he is a man  of integrity and high moral standards if you set the bar somewhere between, say, Pete Carroll and the SMU program during the Eric Dickerson years. 

This institution really hopes you'll buy the ginormous load of horse shit in this letter in the same way you shockingly believed the whole 'Cam Newton didn't know' steaming pile appreciates the cooperation of your staff in this inquiry.

Suckers, Sincerely,

Larry Gordon Gee, President

Moe John Bruno, Faculty Athletics Representative

Curly Gene Smith, Director of Athletics

cc: The assclown who tried to fuck with The Game 

    Mr. James E. Delany

Now Playing at the MZone Theater: Tresselgate Double Feature!

And back for a special return engagement:

Tressel-I-am!

Two weeks ago - before Yahoo! Sports posted a story claiming that Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel knew about Buckeye players trading merchandise for free tattoos more than eight months before the school said it was made aware of the allegations - The Vest was photographed reading Dr. Seuss books to a group of school children in Ohio:

Well, in light of the recent allegations in C-bus, may we suggest the following for The Vest's next reading to the kids:

 An excerpt:

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
Terrelle and his tats!
And he said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?
I know it is wet
And the sun is not sunny.
But we can have lots of fun
Lots of fun with booster money!"


"I know some good bars to go to,"
Said the QB.
"We can drive in the new car
The new car dealer just loaned me!
We will take the car, take the car out for a ride.
My coach
Does not care, so I have nothing to hide!"


Then Sally and I
Did not know what to say.
But Terrelle said Coach Tressel
Would look the other way.


But our fish said, "No! No!
Make Terrelle go away!
Tell that Cat with the Tats
You do NOT want to play.
He should not be here,
He should be on probation!
He should be suspended
With the rest of Buckeye Nation!"


"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the QB
"I won't get caught
Since my coach just ignores me.
Why, we can have
Lots of fun doing my thing
With a game that I call
Selling my championship ring!"

An excerpt:

I do not like the game's laws and its rules
I do not like them, they're only for fools
I did not like them during the days of Clarett
I do not like them nor have been busted just yet
I let Terrelle Pryor get his free tats
Then claimed, "Oh, I did not know about that!"
I do not like the rules they have about class
The N-C-A-A can kiss my Vest-wearing ass
I do not like the rules out on the field
And if we get busted, I'll surely appeal
I do not like the rules here in the 'Shoe
And our fans do not care as long as I beat the Blue
I do not like rules here or there
I do not like them ANYWHERE!