Nick Saban vs. Mecha-Nick Saban

As a kid, I used to love the old Japanese Godzilla movies (which is why I will never, ever forgive the people behind that shitty-ass remake.  WTF was that?!).  I especially liked Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

For those of you who had a deprived childhood, Mechagodzilla (aka Mecha-Godzilla) was Godzilla's robotic doppelganger.  When they battled, it was heartless, fire-breathing evil versus its bionic equal.  Mano-a-Mechanical.

The reason I was thinking of Godzilla today was because I had started writing up a post about Alabama's head football coach, Nick Saban.  Like me, when you think Nick Saban, the first thing that probably comes to mind for you as well is heartless, fire-breathing evil (only with slightly less personality).

So I began free associating some ideas along the "Saban is Godzilla" theme when I  remembered the giant statue of Saban that Alabama had already erected...

And, voila, like that, the spark of an idea was upon me:  Pure, cold-blooded oversigning malevolence vs a metallic rush to deify (because, you know, what could possibly go wrong with putting up a statue of one's head coach while he's still there).

It really is the perfect monster movie.

So who would win such an epic battle of B-movie villainy?  As you know if you've watched such flicks, there isn't just one battle between the two baddies in each film, but many.  In different places, and against different backdrops.  Thus, the MZone breaks down what would happen in the scariest movie of the year...

Nick Saban vs. Mecha-Nick Saban

DESTRUCTIVE POWER

If the 9-foot bronze statue of Mecha-Nick Saban fell over, he'd crush that nearby wall.  But it can probably be fixed in a matter of weeks or days.

When Nick Saban recruits some kid only to abruptly pull his scholarship at the last minute, "grayshirt" him or make him take a medical hardship, these harmful actions leave scars on kids that can last a lifetime.

Advantage:

ON-SCREEN CHARISMA

Nick Saban always looks like a guy getting an enema while in a dental chair having a root canal at the same time.  Even Mark Dantonio has been known to remark, "Man, that dude needs to lighten the fuck up."

Mecha-Nick Saban just looks like the same guy getting only the enema.

Advantage:

BRAVERY IN BATTLE

Being 9 feet tall and made of bronze, Mecha-Nick Saban will not flee when things get tough.

After coaching at MSU and realizing he couldn't rise above Michigan when the playing field was level, Nick Saban fled to conferences where that wouldn't be the case.  Remember these words from Saban after he left MSU?:

"At Michigan State, we were never No. 1," Saban said. "That was always Michigan. It was always U-M this or that."

Advantage:

MOST DESPISED

This one is easy.  Mecha-Nick Saban is loved by pigeons.

Nick Saban is hated by any college football fan who doesn't bleed Crimson and White.

Advantage:

UPDATE:

Rigby did the poster for us!

'Bama "grayshirts" new OC after oversigning coaches

(from MZone wire reports) TUSCALOOSA, AL -- The MZone has learned that newly hired Alabama offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeir is being asked to sit out the 2012 season and join the Crimson Tide staff next year because Nick Saban has signed too many football coaches.  Nussmeir, who had been the offensive coordinator at Washington, found out only after he and his family arrived in Tuscaloosa on Monday afternoon.

"Coach Saban said he wished he would’ve been able to tell me before I quit my old job, sold my house, moved all the way across the country with my family and had six other coaching offers I turned down instead of telling me now," said Nussmeir as he stood next to his crying wife and kids on the front lawn of the new Tuscaloosa house that they can no longer afford.  "He (Saban) said the only reason he can’t have me join his staff for this season is because he can’t have too many offensive coordinators.  He can only have one.  And he hired three.  But he said he was going to bring me in for the 2013 season.  And I know it's true because he said he would pinky swear that he would keep his word about that – which has to really, really mean something.  I mean, it's not like he offered to just sign some random piece of paper."

So what happened to Nussmeir's new job between the time he agreed to it on Friday and the time the offer was pulled on Monday?  According to MZone sources, after Nussmeir accepted Saban's offer, the Tide head coach then made an offer to Oklahoma State offensive coordinator Todd Monken on Saturday and Stanford OC Pep Hamilton on Sunday.  When both said yes, it left Nussmeir as the odd man out since Washington's offense wasn't as highly ranked as Oklahoma State's or Stanford's.  No word yet on whether Monken or Hamilton will be next to get &^%$ by Saban on this one.

When the MZone asked Nussmeir what he was going to do this fall since all the prime OC jobs are already filled at this point, Nussmeir said he was going to stay in Alabama.  "Coach Saban said he'd help me get a job at the Piggly Wiggly during the time I'm not on his staff.  What an awesome, caring man, huh?"

While, Nussmeir seemed understanding about having his job yanked away at the 11th hour, other assistant coaches weren't so forgiving of Saban.

"It's deplorable," said new Florida OC Brent Pease.  "A person agrees to something, doesn't look elsewhere because he thinks he's set, then is told at the last minute, 'Sorry, you're on your own'?  And that's supposed to be okay?  I can't believe there's not a national outcry about this.  But, as usual, the ESPN's and Gary Danielson's of the world aren't saying shit.  They only care about the players.  Typical."

Last summer, the SEC instituted limits on the number of assistant coaches a team can have.  But Saban, notorious for having extra coaches to his staff at Alabama, was unfazed at the time.  "It's not going to be that much of a management issue for us to be able to continue to create the same number of opportunities for young coaches and just try to manage it a little better."

Alabama coach Nick Oversaban reveals how many
coaches he's over the limit for the 2012 season